Holiday gifts when parents are divorced
By Rose Allen, University of Minnesota Extension Service
How can mothers and fathers who parent apart approach holiday giving? There are two sides to this issue - giving gifts to the child and helping your child give to the other parent.
Let's begin with gifts for the child. Ideally, both parents can communicate with each other about their child's wants and needs. Wants are those things she says she can't live without, but you know aren't necessary to sustain life - the new video game, the doll that grows hair, a trip to Disneyland. Needs on the other hand, are those things that are necessary to have - a new pair of boots for winter, underwear, a new backpack for school and a host of other items that can't be avoided and chip away at the family budget.
Once the wants and needs are determined, the parents can negotiate who will purchase which items from both lists. Balancing wants and needs is also much easier on each parent's budget - and children will benefit from having some of the items they have on their wish list and others they will use every day. Sometimes a child's needs are different at each household. In this case, the child may want to make a list for each parent of what they wish for and the parents may decide individually what to give.
In addition to gifts for the children, parents should discuss gifts the children can give to each parent. If communication between parents is difficult, give your child different examples of how they can give to you and/or your family. Some ideas may be personalized coupon books for fun activities together; having your child come up with a new tradition for a specific holiday or occasion; breakfast in bed or a meal together. Remember, it's important to teach children that giving is not about the monetary value of the gift, but the thought and sentiment behind the gift.
Parents who parent apart can and do encounter pitfalls. Trying to be the parent who spends the most money on your children's gifts can turn giving into a race where each parent tries to out do the other with lavish and not very useful gifts. Don't do it - giving your child too much, too soon, that doesn't meet their real needs, is a set up for overindulgence.
Criticizing the other parent's gift challenges your child's sense of loyalty to the other parent. You might feel better, but your child doesn't. When a child can't enjoy a gift because of your hostility, you are undermining your child's relationship with both of you. Instead, separate your feelings from this situation and focus on how to support your child even if you don't share their excitement or approve of the gift.
Sometimes gifts are specific to a particular household, and should stay there. However this isn't always the case. Try to resist the urge to insist that the gifts you have given your child cannot go to the other parent's house. This is particularly true when the gift helps comfort your child.
We all want our children to learn the art of giving. It's important for parents to encourage children to give gifts to the other parent, as well as family members related to the parent. The parent should initiate this process. This may mean things such as helping them think about what to give, providing a reasonable budget and shopping with your child. For young children who make gifts in school, talk with the teacher about allowing your child to make two items - so each parent has a plaster of Paris hand print or a macaroni covered box.
Making things for the other parent, whether at home or in school, is a great way for children to give in a personal way. In addition, when your child goes to the other parent's family or friends for a special meal or occasion, they may enjoy bringing a dish or dessert that they helped make. If they are hesitant or nervous about going, this may also give them something else to focus on. There are many ways that you can help your child learn the joy of giving - this will bring you closer to your child, and help your child be closer to the other parent. Everyone wins.
Rose Allen is a family relations specialist with the University of Minnesota Extension Service, Regional Center, Farmington |
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